drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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