and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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