Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
