So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
