...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
