I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize