Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize