meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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