saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
people are starting to question the shark bite story
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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