I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
