Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
