Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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