I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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