According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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