I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
