We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She even gives head with a lisp.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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