I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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