Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
