Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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