just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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