she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
