Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
a search helicopter?!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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