youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
