i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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