i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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