pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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