U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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