I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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