I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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