U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
