I will die if light touches me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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