And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
