Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
