She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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