How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize