i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
