My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
