Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
