ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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