if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
