Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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