You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
