I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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