I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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