He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
