update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
