i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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