at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
