who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize