I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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