listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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