made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
