i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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