Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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