I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize