I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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