so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
